When people think of it, the first thing popping into their heads is probably gifts. Whether it’s Valentine’s roses or a wrapped gift box—in most people’s eyes, only those things count as “sense of ritual.”
Sure, those things are a kind of “life ritual.” But for partners who’ve been together a long time, doing that all the time can get exhausting. Most of the time, we just wanna hold each other tight somewhere we can feel safe.
So there’s another kind of “sense of ritual”—one hidden in the intimate moments two people share together. No candlelit dinner needed, no roses needed. Over a long stretch of time, it’s the private little words between the two of them.
Married life is not like clocking in at work
My parents, after they got married, their life just turned into nothing but food and bills. One of them put all their focus on us kids, the other on work.
My mom told me she feels like my dad doesn’t love her as much anymore. Back when he was chasing her, it wasn't just flowers on holidays—he’d get her little gifts on normal days, take her out to eat all kinds of tasty food, and take her to do all kinds of fun stuff. They kissed in a Ferris wheel and walked hand in hand on the beach.
But it seems like as time went on, my mom started feeling sad inside. They aren't as young and energetic as before, and life has worn them down, so they lost that spark. My heart really ached for my mom, so I tried all sorts of things. I tried getting them to go out to dinner just the two of them, but my dad thought it was too expensive and wanted to save the money for the family. I tried getting them to take a trip, but my mom worried about leaving the kids at home and wanted everyone to go together.
So all my plans totally failed. Then I randomly came across a post online talking about how a middle-aged couple used sex toys to bring back their intimacy. I thought it was pretty new, but honestly, when I really thought about it, it made sense. So I forwarded that post to my mom.
She didn't really reply to me, but one day I found a new delivery box at home — except nothing extra showed up around the house.
Pretty soon, I noticed things had changed between my mom and dad. They'd look at each other from time to time, then both would suddenly get all red in the face and couldn't even look at each other. Or before my dad left for work, he'd kiss my mom and make her blush so hard she'd just say, "The kids are still here."
A grown-up sense of ritual doesn't need to be so fancy. It might just mean buying a toy, the two of them figuring it out together. In their own private space, just for them, they can temporarily leave behind all those little everyday worries. Only each other is there.
Why are we getting more and more tired?
After seeing my parents' example, I couldn't help but think back to my own life.
Isn't it the same? During the day, my mind is busy with work, nerves always tight. When I get home, all I want is to lie on the couch and not think about anything. Intimacy feels like it's become a routine — totally formatted. Going on like this, life actually feels really suffocating.
We've got to do something to tell our partner, "I still love you. We're still dating each other — not just running a household together."
Those inexplicable secrets of the body
When my besties and I hang out, we've gotten into this kind of personal stuff too. She said things have gotten cold between her and her partner lately, but she still really loves their partner and doesn't wanna split up. So she came up with a bunch of ideas—brought up all the things they did back in the honeymoon phase, wanted to go through 'em again with their partner, hoping to get back to that crazy-in-love time. But every single time, she got turned down. Their partner's excuse? Kinda tired, super busy with work lately, no time or energy for it.
So then my friend changed the subject, and in this sweet, syrupy voice she said to us, her partner bought some lemon toy. One night he pulled it out and told her he really loves her, he just genuinely can't find time to be with her during regular days, and he feels pretty guilty about it too. He saw the reviews for this toy, so he got it to give it a try.
She said that night felt amazing—not just physically satisfying, but even more, it was like a psychological connection that broke through the everyday routine. After that, their relationship got even sweeter and closer than ever. So she couldn't wait to share it with us.
Our bodies actually need a sense of ritual—they're super sensitive. Trying new things our bodies haven't experienced before isn't a bad thing at all. Instead, it's like a little heater that turns up the passion in a relationship.
Don't let your life become stagnant.
We don't need to make every single day feel like Valentine's Day—that would totally wear us out. All we need is to create a little "sense of ritual" for the intimate relationship in our lives. Like some playful little lemon toy that makes both people happy.
Honey, we really shouldn't feel embarrassed. The adult world is exhausting. In front of the person we love, we don't need to wear a mask. Just let our real selves out.
